Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Grass Is Always Greener

     Next week I start a part time job.  It's two days a week, and it will take the financial strain off of our family.  It's something I know has to be done...and yet I am completely torn up inside.
     When I began my first blog, "Suck At Home Mom's Cranky Blog", it was to get out the frustration of being tied to home after years in the workforce, and to overcome the feeling of being "less than."  There were no evaluations of my performance, no raises for a job well done, etc.  As the months wore on, I called myself the "Stuck At Home Mom", because I felt like there would be no opportunity for me to contribute to society while nursing this little terror I call Rose.
     It's only now, as I face the daunting and emotionally draining task of re-entering the workforce, that I realize how good I had it.  Rose is high-maintenance, in every sense of the word.  She's incredibly smart, and therefore has to be constantly challenged or she starts building ladders out of stuffed animals to climb over the safety gate.  She's fully attached to breastfeeding, so she requires the boob more than I would think necessary at nine months old. And she hates to be alone, so when I leave the room to go pee she stands at the gate and cries, only to laugh when I come back.
     But I know all of those things, and we have a routine, and we have an unspoken agreement (since she only says "Dada", "Hi", "Mama", "Kittykitty" and "Up") that she give me lots of smiles and pictures to compensate for this high-pressure job of being her caretaker.  On Tuesday, that all ends.  My mother, who is a wonderful, caring, amazing grandmother somehow scares the crap out of Rose.  My other children, knowing that Nanna is the best spoiler in the world, find this both amusing and baffling, but all it does for me is wonder if I'm making a colossal mistake.  I'm about to unleash her high-maintenance-ness on my 68 year old Mom with a heart condition, knowing that Rose will probably scream her head off for the first few weeks.  I'm about to put Rose under the care of a loving and wonderful but to her scary grandparent.  My heart is breaking, and yet I know of no alternative.
     I can't seem to make money online.  I am in the middle of writing a book (yes, I really am), but it has nothing to do with what I blog about and it's not even close to completion--and if it were, I certainly have no money to have it published. I am grateful to be able to have this job...but I worry that for me to suddenly be gone 8 1/2-9 hours for two days per week is going to destroy our breastfeeding relationship (because even though I'm trying to gradually substitute the mid-day ones, there really is not enough time to properly wean her.)  It's a catch-22, and I know--the grass is always greener.  It should seem like the best of both worlds...but I worry worry worry.  The date is drawing nearer, and I am dreading it.  Have you had to make this decision?  What did you choose, and how did you accomplish it?

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