Sunday, September 15, 2013

10 Things You Should Know About Breastfeeding

1.  Your baby will suck.  I don't just mean physically.  You will be torn between feeling your natural love for her and wanting to give her to the first Gypsy you see.  For free.
2.  You'll do it wrong.  A lot.  And since she can't tell you why she's screaming or not sleeping or pooping out that sickly sweet-smelling poop, you won't even KNOW you're doing it wrong.
3.  Your baby will be dumb.  That's right, I said it.  After feeding PERFECTLY when she came out of your womb, she'll forget how to nurse.  She'll FORGET. HOW TO NURSE.
4.  You will be dumber.  You still won't understand what you're doing wrong, and you'll absolutely hate it, but you'll refuse to give in and give her the bottle you know would be easier.
5.  Your baby will be a tyrant.  "I want the boob, right now, in the middle of Market Basket.  NOW, MILK BITCH, NOW."
6.  You WILL be the milk bitch, and Market Basket employees will think you're stealing something under that blanket (or if your baby is like Rose, who refuses any kind of cover and rips it off, the Market Basket employees will either admire your rack or be scandalized at the sight of your suddenly bare nipple.)
7.  Your baby will shit on all of your dreams.  Well, ok, not your dreams.  Just your sheets, your baby clothes, your pajamas, and your pillow.  Breast milk poop stains are almost impossible to get out.
8.  You will become a crack addict.  A breastfeeding crack hormone addict.  Did you know your body releases feel good hormones as you breastfeed?  You will hate it, but the bf crack hormone will keep you coming back for more.
9.  You'll be signed up for gymnastics.  Because your baby will feed standing up, upside down, over your shoulder, or however she wants.
10.  You'll become a boob expert.  Because nobody knows boobs like someone who has to use them for work, pleasure, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, comfort, and pain.  Pain because breast infections, cracked nipples, biting, pinching, and weaning all hurt.
11. (I know, I said 10, but sometimes I can't count--because I'm up all freaking night long.) You will, believe it or not, as much as you might hate it at first, miss it when it ends.  You have been the sole sustainer of a human life, and as much as I'm not into all that earthy-crunchy crap, you have made a difference in the life of a child.


  1. Stopped by via BlogHer...and then I couldn't stop reading! This really cracks me up! I was a BF mom 3.1 times. (I gave up after a month or so with the first one.) I can relate, especially #6. And so can many of my friends...going to share this with them! Thanks for sharing and saying it 'out loud'!

    1. Thanks for stopping by! I just had to breastfeed in the middle of a Renaissnce Fair...
      It was, shall we say, an "interesting experience"! Glad to know I'm not alone!