Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Snooty Spoiler (aka The Tooth Fairy)

     How ridiculous is it to have your ten year old look disappointed because there was "only" two dollars in his tooth box (left by the tooth fairy)?  Happyboy was so excited to check today to see if she came (since, being the suckiest tooth fairy ever, she forgot to come the night before) that he asked if I would come into his room with him to check.  I went in, secretly excited that he had "extra" $$ in there...only to see his little pixie face fall when he opened up the folded dollar bills.
     "What's the matter buddy?" I asked him.
     "Well, you friend, she is the most spoiled ever, even by the tooth fairy.  She gets twenty dollars for a tooth."
     TWENTY DOLLARS?  Are her teeth lined with imported diamonds?  Can they be recycled into ruby rings?  What tooth fairy leaves twenty bucks for a ten year old's tooth??  It's not like it's a good investment--it's not even an adult tooth, it's a baby tooth that is almost certain to be disgustingly caked with blood.  You can't wear it, eat it, sell it, or even recycle it.  Does this girl's tooth fairy work for Santa? It's a f%$ing tooth!! 
      I had no choice but to sort of say, "Wow, buddy, that's crazy.  Maybe your friend is exaggerating."  I freaking hope your friend is exaggerating, because if she's not, she's in for some disappointment when she gets her first job in the 7th grade, walking somebody's dog for $5.  "Five bucks?" she'll ask disgustedly.  "I get more than this for a tooth.
     Now, I admit, the tooth fairy in our house doesn't really like inflation, but she has kept up with the times by offering $3 for the front teeth, and $1 for anything else.  Even this, to me, is more than reasonable for something that really is only there to hold a place for real teeth.  I got a quarter for each of my teeth, and I was thrilled.  Ok, ok, a quarter went a lot further back in (harump harump hmmmp), but still--they really don't need to make a living at it!  No wonder kids are ripping the teeth out of their heads the instant they seem loose!  Even when the tooth fairy forgets to come (which, unfortunately has been more than once--she's a lackadaisical sort of tooth fairy and she really ought to have her tooth fairy license revoked, but I guess you get who you get...) she still only leaves an extra .50 or dollar--you know, for emotional damage.
     I refuse to let her be bullied into leaving more.  Isn't there a tooth fairy union against this sort of thing?  Some tooth fairy etiquette that says one tooth fairy shall not leave a ridiculous, exhorbitant amount of money for one child, way outside the bounds of etiquette?  And really, isn't it the child's parent's job, if the tooth fairy is such a snooty spoiler, to admonish her child not to tell everyone that she gets snooty money for one little un-usable tooth?
     Suck at home moms...what does the tooth fairy leave in your house?  And do you have a good one, or a slacker, or a snooty spoiler?

No comments:

Post a Comment