Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Summer of Discontent

     About two weeks ago I had a long talk with Coffeeguy about, horror of horrors, my feelings.  Generally when I build up to one of these talks I have so many different things bundled inside that they get sort of garbled, and it becomes the neurotic rantings of a tearful termagant (I like alliteration, so sue me...Sally...)  This time it was a slightly more coherent summation of my current fog, this feeling that I can't find "me", that I belong to no group other than the nuclear family.  While it made me feel so much better just to get it "out there", today I realized just how feeling better doesn't make you all better.
      Granted, Rose didn't sleep well, which meant I didn't, and I have a raging vitamin D deficiency that I keep meaning to do something about.  I tried twice today to cuddle with Coffeeguy on his day off, both of which ended in massive frustration on both our parts when Rose woke early and crying from her nap the first time and Punkgirl called from school for a new set of clothes the second time. So these things could easily make me discontent today....and quite frankly they did make me cranky...but it feels like more than that.  Talking about things didn't change my sense of not belonging.  It didn't help me figure out what lies ahead for me.  Some days (like today) make me feel like I don't even have time to think about what lies ahead.  It's something I have a hard time revisiting with Coffeeguy (I hate sounding like a whiner to him--I can be a whiner here without it "dulling the glow.")
      So here I sit, the summer heat making my physical self as discontent as my emotional one, hoping that I will find my "niche", or that miraculously I will find something that validates me as an individual.  
     I am a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, and a good sister... even if I suck at some of the details.  But where is the definition of me that doesn't revolve around someone else?  I like meeting some of their needs, and certainly they meet some of mine...but I don't want that to be my epitaph.  
     Suck at home moms, how do you define yourself, after meeting the needs of your loved ones?  Or will "sucky mom" be your epitaph?

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