What's In A Name?

Every so often I think about the name of my blog--Suck At Home Mom.  I chose it purposely, because three years ago I was terrible at this stay at home thing.  I was incredibly hard on myself, and I was definitely lost without the constant interaction of the people I used to work with.

But over the last few months I've come to realize how much I'm thriving.  I'm able to write more than I had in years.  I'm working on a novel.  I've been published on The Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, and BlogHer.  I've been involved in writing communities, and I've gotten the hang of being at home with the kids and not needing to do something every minute.  Punkgirl remarked the other day--"You slay at this.  At being a mom at home."  I've shown my kids the workaholic mom--how could they not see it?  They were in the same school where I worked, and felt it keenly every time I chose to finish my work instead of seeing what they were doing.  

This isn't a working mom criticism--it's a working me criticism.  I give my all to any job--and that includes the one at home.  So in doing so, for me, it later came to hurt me.  Because just one comment from Punkgirl--"remember when you went out of the house to work, and you never had time to read our stuff or give us challenges or play games with us?"

That cut me to the quick.  She has begged me not to go back to work, and despite a desire to see other adults and have conversations that don't revolve around diapers or drama, I haven't.  And I failed at that at first...but now, I feel like I'm finally coming into my own.  Like I'm owning the s-a-h-m role.  Like I'm slaying it.  

So without further ado...over the next few months I will be changing my site from Suck At Home Mom's Cranky Blog...To Slay At Home Mom's Nerdy Blog.  I'm going to try to take the two things I love to do--activities with the kids, and all things  nerdy--into one blog.  Wish me luck, and I hope you'll love the new blog as much as the old!  (Feedback is always appreciated!)

"Make Mine Marvel" (Shoes)

     This week is DIY week at Camp Roffey, and in preparation I bought myself a nice bottle of Mod Podge.  I decided to try out a little project I've been thinking about, and with Boston Comic Con coming up in a few short weeks, I felt like it was just the right time.

     With an old pair of shoes, some Mod Podge, a sponge brush, and a free comic magazine I got at the recent Free Comic Book Day, I was ready to make myself a pair of unique, Comic Con-worthy heels to go with my "Ms. Marvel" costume for this year.

     First, gather your ingredients.  I would add to this photo a pair of plastic or latex gloves, because I used my hands a lot!  

You will need:

-Pair of shoes (I used heels, but you can use flats it sneakers too.)

-Mod Podge (I used matte, but you can use glossy if that's your preference.)

-Heavy quality comic (you can get these in the dollar bins at your local comic shop, just make sure that you get the thicker paper, not the old thin stuff...it will probably work, but the colors are less vibrant and I suspect you'll need several more layers of Mod Podge.)  Also, make sure you get an extra copy to keep, so you won't feel guilty about cutting one of them up. 

-Scissors

-Tracing paper (I used a large clear plastic baggie and that worked fine)

-Sharpie marker

-X-acto knife (for trimming unsightly edges)

-Sponge brush for the Mod Podge

-The aforementioned gloves

I also kept a wet wipe handy for wiping off any excess Mod Poodge from the shoe...and my hands.

Step 1.  Trace the sides and front (and any other surface you plan to cover) of your shoe and cut them out.

Don't worry--it doesn't have to be perfect, that's why you have an X-acto knife!

Step 2.  Choose your "background" pieces and cut them out of the comic.  I like to leave a nice white trim around any comic panels so that it gives a nice "comic book" feel.  Lay these onto the shoe templates and cut to the shape of the template.  I don't have a picture of this step as I didn't think of it until after I had painstakingly fit the comic pieces to the shoe.  I like to try to make the colors on the outside and front of the shoes similar on both shoes, to give them more of a "matching shoes" feel.

Edit:  Step 2A:  Also cut out superheroes or scenes that you want to go on the top layer, so they are ready and you can place them on the background as you go (see step 6)

Step 3.  Apply a thin layer of Mod Podge to the shoe.  Don't cover the whole shoe--just the area where your next piece is going.  The key is to apply it evenly and try to have no big lumps or bubbles.

Step 4:  Place the cut-out comic piece on top of the Mod Podge, smoothing it out as much as possible.

I like to line the top up first, and I like to leave the trim of the shoe visible--but if you don't, you can simply apply Mod Podge inside the rim of the shoe and carefully fold the comic edge over.  Once the top is placed perfectly, I lift the bottom edge and apply a little more Mod Podge.  I smoothe the bottom down as best as possible, and use the X-acto to trim any excess.  I used my fingers to gently work any bubbles out of the paper.  It was messy but oddly satisfying.  Gently lift and re-work the paper if you need to, but make sure to put more Mod Podge on to hold it down tightly.

Step 5:  Apply a thin layer of Mod Podge on top of the chosen piece, smoothing out any bumps or bubbles.  

Step 6:  After your background pieces are on, and each has a thin layer of Mod Podge Add your favorite heroes on top.  The method is the same--apply Mod Podge, then apply the piece, then apply Mod Podge on top. If you work quickly enough, you can add the top pieces to the existing layer of Mod Podge.

You can see here I've added some of my favorite ladies on top of the bottom layer.  

Continue all the way around the shoe, applying Mod Podge whenever you add a piece to a new area.  Cover any gaps or flaws with a small cut-out hero.

"I'm the best at what I do.  But what I do isn't very nice."

Don't worry--we're going to cover that gap, and any other flaws, with more of my favorite characters.

See?

Now, this is not a necessary step, but I found the back of the shoe to be slightly difficult when it comes to bumps and wrinkles.  I added two of my favorite characters (who I totally still "ship") to the back, and even with the wrinkles, they covered any overt gaps and made me super happy in the process:

Finally, Step 7:  Use your X-acto to clean up any edges (I'm not talented enough to do that and take a picture, sorry.)

Then add at least one more layer of Mod Podge (leaving 15 minutes before applying additional layers.  You'll know you're done when the shoe is smoothe and slightly stiff all the way around.)

To make your shoes waterproof, be sure to spray them with an acrylic spray that says "waterproof" on it.

And that's it!  Now you too can be "Ms. Marvel!"

Dear Family: I'm Not Letting You Go, It's Just Grief & Anxiety

 

     It's easy to think I'm fine.  After all, I've gone out with my friends here and there, I've gone on vacation with my family, I've even taken my mother to Paint Night.  I post pretty pictures up on my Facebook page of all the wonderful things going on and the accomplishments of my three children.  To the casual observer, I'm happy.  I'm moving on.

      The trouble is I'm crumbling inside.  Leaving the house is preceded by thirty minutes of heart palpitations and tension, as I try to keep it together despite the fact that a panic attack is clawing at my throat.  A text that goes too long without a response from my husband and I start worrying something's wrong.

     Something is wrong.  I got the call on January 6th, some time in the afternoon.  "Listen," my brother Bill said on the other end of the line.  "You have to go over to South Shore Hospital.  Michelle called.  Charlie sat down on the couch, then Ari came out and said Papa's not waking up."

     Everything else he said was lost as I fumbled out of the blanket wrapped around my legs and stuttered, "I'm on my way!"  My hands were shaking as I tried to put on my shoes, and my throat was stuck as my husband asked me what was going on.

     I don't remember what I told him.  In my head, I was busy re-playing the deaths of my youngest brother and father, fourteen and fifteen years ago respectively.  Re-playing the last month, when my oldest brother, Charlie, had been diagnosed with colon cancer.  Re-playing the night before, when I'd dropped him off so he could see his girls.

     I declined my husband, Chris's, offer to come with me, thinking the kids would need him more than I would, because I was just being silly. Charlie would be fine.  I would be fine.  I was wrong on all counts.

     I've been late for all three of my loved ones' deaths.  When my father died of lung cancer in 2000, I had been scheduled to take the following week off, but he died overnight and by the time we drove up to Middleton to say goodbye, he was cold, and gone.  I felt completely crushed for getting there too late--too late to see Da one more time.

              My Dad And Me

     

     When my brother Jay went into the hospital after a night of seizures and not being able to wake, I was too late then too.  I had stayed home to watch my brother Bill's daughter, Ashley, but as the night wore on into morning I knew I had to leave her with Chris so that I could go to the hospital.  As I walked through the halls, trying to find my mother, I saw them wheel a completely limp body past me for a CT Scan.  It was Jay, no longer thrashing but lying docilely asleep.  It didn't look like him.  His fever reached 104.5, and they transferred him by ambulance to another hospital.  He went into cardiac arrest on the way.  I'd never see Jay awake again.

     As I drove to South Shore Hospital, I knew it couldn't happen again.  How could it?  I couldn't be late again.  When I got put in the small room, I knew it was bad news--but as the doctor spoke to me and told me they were working on him still, I somehow, foolishly, had hope that I wouldn't be too late again.  She asked if I wanted to be there while they worked on him, and because I couldn't bear to be too late, I said yes.  When I got into the room, they had just called time.  I was too late to say goodbye to my brother, and my last remaining brother and my mother weren't there yet to keep me focused on someone else's grief, so I collapsed to the floor.

     When I finally managed to send a message to my husband, it wasn't elegant.  It wasn't careful.  It wasn't gentle.  It said "my brother is dead", because that was all my shaking hands could type.  

     I could tell you all about the services, or the severe flu that everyone came down with except me, or even the ride to pick up his ashes.  But the point is that the world goes on.  Those things are big moments to me, but not necessarily to the world.  To the world, it seems like six months or longer has gone by.  To me it's a day.  Maybe a week.  I put on my happy face, because neither his nor my children need sorrow, and my mother is grieving two sons the only way she can--by pretending it hasn't happened.  But for me, I want to sit down and burst into the uncontrollable sobs that just won't stop.  There's never time for that, so I let a little burst happen here or there, and then I force myself to go outside the house, no matter how much I hate it.  I would much rather spend my time inside, safe in a bubble of music and writing.

          This is my safe space 

     

      Invitations have been coming to family events.  I have a lot of family, and I used to go to all kinds of big events with them until my brother died.  Now the idea of stepping into a room with all of the people who I last saw at my brother's wake terrifies me.  It terrifies me to the point that I shake, and I gasp for air, and I ultimately just say no.  It doesn't make sense, but then anxiety and grief have never had to make sense for me.  

     Because I'm not ok.  All is not well.  My brother is dead, and I'm not ready to move on. It feels like if I go to a big family party, I'm admitting that he's gone, and I'm saying it's ok to move on.  It's not ok, yet.  Not for me.  So please, when I answer no to an invitation, know that I'm doing it out of love, a love for my brother that says I'm still here, I still remember, and I'm not ready to let you go.  Someday, in the way of grief, I will be.  When my tears are dry, when my sobs have finally been purged, I'll be able to think of a family gathering as just that.

     But until then, please understand, I'm not letting go of you.  I'm just holding on to my brother.

The Good Men Project Why We Run Series

I have a post up on the Good Men Project Sports Page.  Stop laughing...I'm sportsy.  Ok, maybe not sportsy.  But I exercise.  This is a series called "Why We Run", and for the first time in a long while the words just flowed out like poetry.  Hope you enjoy, and feel free to like & share!

https://www.facebook.com/goodmenprojectsports/posts/642242769252620

Sorting Hat Cake Wreck...a.k.a. Harry Pooper Cake

I've had so many cake wrecks it’s running joke in my family.  Take, for instance, my "Curious George" cake several years ago:

George looked more like an alien or a teddy bear, but he tasted pretty good, whereas Rose's dairy-free gluten-free Very...Fuzzy...Caterpillar cake was bearable but tasted like styrofoam covered in sugar:

Now, my cakes may look or taste awful...but they take hours to make and they clearly come from a place of love.  But none have even come close to the mess--I mean, labor of love--that I made for Punkgirl's 14th birthday.

Punkgirl, although she is proudly a nerd, has been anti-fantasy for years, telling me it's "just not my thing."  I've been ok with that, but a little sad that we couldn't share a love for all things mystical and magical.  Until now I thought, c'est la vie. I've lost her to Coffeeguy's love of history.  That is, until she decided to pick up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone one day for silent reading at school.  

She couldn't put it down.  When she read through all of the first four books in three weeks I knew she was really hooked!  So when she asked for the fifth book and we didn't have it (I know, it's weird, why don't we have the fifth book?!) I drove her immediately to the bookstore to pick up a trade paperback copy.  

We talked about Harry, and Ron, Hermione, George, Neville, Ginny...we posited theories about Dumbledore and Snape...we were connecting on a level we never had before.  So when my beautiful young lady turned fourteen, I knew I must attempt to make a gluten-free Harry Potter cake.  

I scoured the internets...looking for the perfect cake...I came across this gem:

(www.sloppyjoebaking.blogspot.com)

But let's face it...we both know that's way beyond my talents.  As is this one:

(www.layersoflove.blogspot.com)

I began to despair.  How could I make a Harry Potter cake that is within my capabilities?  

Then I had an idea.  A sorting hat cake.  I had confectioners'sugar.  I had cocoa.  How hard could it be?  I set about making the fondant (sorry, I didn't take pictures because I was too busy crying through my sensory issues) with 3 cups of confectioners' sugar, 1 cup of cocoa, 1 tbsp of corn syrup, and 5 ounces of water.  I mixed it all together, and although it began as a sticky, gooey mess, eventually it made a nice smooth ball.  I was feeling pretty confident that I could come up with this:

  www.cakecentral.com

I mean, how hard could it be? 

I lovingly rolled out my fondant.  It seemed pretty smoothe.  I cut one of these: 

into several circles, each smaller than the next, and placed them sloppily on top of each other.  I then cut a triangle for the top of the hat.  I used chocolate frosting to hold it all together and hold the fondant on.  And then this happened:

(I'd say I nailed it...)

Now, it was midnight.  And in my defense, I've never ever used fondant before.  But when I tell you that all I could think was that I made my kid a sh*t monster on her cake, and couldn't stop giggling hysterically to the point that I was falling down, please don't judge me. I couldn't even consider trashing it, because I was out of supplies, money, and time.  At least it tasted pretty good...

(Also please note the "magic wand" on the bottom right corner of the cake...which looks like a log of poo...). I fancied it up with some house flags that I printed off and attached to straws.  And all in all, Punkgirl is a huge fan of my "cake wrecks"...she finds them incredibly amusing, and was still laughing when we gave her this great Hot Topic Marauder's Map Harry Potter dress.

All in all, I take pride in my disasters.  Someday my kids will tell stories..."remember when mom made that giant poop cake?"

Slay-At-Home-Moms:  Feel free to share your "labors of love" below!

Blizzard Número Dos

It was easy to believe that the news stations were over-exaggerating when they said another "potential blizzard" was headed our way.  For once they weren't.

Coffeeguy's standing on about 4 feet of packed snow here. (See the window? The windowsill is about 9 1/2 feet off the ground.)

So what do we do when the wind is blowing too hard to actually play outside?  We bring it inside, of course:

Or we do this:

Or we watch endless hours of tv:

In extreme cases, we go online and plan Disney vacations that we (probably) won't go on, in the hopes that someday, someday, there will be a lack of snow and a splash of sunlight.

Stay warm, mamas.  Stay sane.

Snowmageddon 2015

We've been slammed with snow this month, and by slammed I mean that I could open my living room window and touch snow.  While the kids are enjoying the days off of school and the endless opportunities for snow fights:

Coffeeguy and I are completely "snowed out."  We have spent our days shoveling

And shoveling....

Aaaand shoveling

Until finally all the shoveling and cold has me dressing like this:

I am ready for Mother Nature to show us a little kindness! There's really nowhere else for the snow to go!

The one thing that has made the shoveling a little easier is this little investment!!

It's called a snow-thrower.  It says online that it's good for 10" of snow, but we've had 27" in the past day and a half alone and it's worked GREAT.  For less than $200 we are now able to cut through the snow in a timely fashion, and then do our neighbor's walk too.  Which is good, because we are due for another snowstorm on Thursday.  

Oh, well!  At least Rose is enjoying herself!

(This was before another 2 feet ended up on top of the tunnel.  You can't even see it now.)

Hope you're staying warm and dry wherever you are!