I've been focusing on some positive things to get me through the weekend (after which I'll be having a very important meeting at Happyboy's school.)
So. Here are my (mostly) happy thoughts...
Today is the day (20 years ago) that Roffey proposed. It was my grandparents' wedding anniversary. (BTW, it was the smartest decision I ever made, saying yes even though he didn't have the ring yet.) We aren't celebrating it, but it always serves as a reminder of how long we've been together and what things we've weathered together.
Tonight, I get to see my amazing niece Joybabe in concert. Joybabe and Madlove are my oldest brother's daughters, and I have crazy, embarrassing, sloppy old love for them. The universe has thrown a lot at them lately and through grief, stress, and too much adulting they have taken all the punches and still kicked the universe's ass. Joybabe is playing the flute tonight, and helping to raise funds to support the arts. It reminds me that she's growing up, and will be 16 in August, which is both inevitable and unacceptable(!), and that my brother would have been so proud of her for taking up her instrument again. I'm proud of her, though her sister Madlove, who shares a room, does not have a mad-love of the flute.
And tomorrow, my family will gather together to send up balloons that we write on to my brother Jay, who would have been 46 years old. It will be 15 years in July since he died of Meningitis, and still not a day goes by that I don't think of him in some way...as Lily says, "Uncle Jason is in the stars with Uncle Charlie and Grampa." They're having a party up there. Jay and I used to share our parties when we were kids, because we were exactly 2 years 1 month apart. I think some part of me is always subconsciously unsatisfied on my birthday, not because it wasn't great, but because there's a missing piece. This year, Coffeeguy loved his birthday so much that he has taken it as a personal challenge to make mine amazing (more on that in another post), and my biggest fear is that I'll have a great time and still feel incomplete. Or, I don't know, maybe that I won't. My birthday is always tied up in Jay, and our birthdays together, so that missing piece is kind of a reminder that he's still here inside my heart. (Don't worry, Coffeeguy, it's still going to be awesome!)
So that's my weekend, after which we get to go up to Happyboy's school to address an incident that is too painful to write about right now. How is your weekend shaping up?