Friday, November 13, 2015


I've been watching all the "thankful" posts on Facebook over the past few weeks, and most years I jump in with both feet.  There's always something to be grateful for, and I mean that sincerely. I have a wonderful husband, amazing kids, a loving mother and a ...not completely hideous brother (you're welcome, B.) But I'm still finding it hard to put all my thankfuls out there, onto Facebook and into the Universe.  

Last year in November my oldest brother was diagnosed with Colon Cancer.  I put it in caps because it's big, and scary, and a nightmare.  As many of you know, the fight from there on was quick, and nasty, and it didn't end well.  I can't seem to shake the sentiment that for all the things I'm thankful for, he doesn't have.  I have my health.  I can hug my kids every night.  And I have the luxury of whining about the fact that I have those two privileges.  

I'm thankful he got out of the hospital in time to have Thanksgiving one last time.  I'm thankful for the chance to spend so much time with his two beautiful girls.  I'm thankful for every happy memory I can give them, or better, remind them of about their Dad.  But that thankfulness is tainted by the thought that he is gone.

Im thankful that I'll have my mother, my brother B, my nieces, and (for the first time) my great-auntie and mom's cousin for Thanksgiving dinner, but the addition of guests is sobered by the fact that one is missing.  

I know; I know.  I should focus on the positives.  I am positive we will live through it.  I am positive that after each first (Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversary) we will begin to adjust--not heal really, because the scar will still be there, but like one who has lost a limb we'll learn how to function without.  I'm looking forward to that November, where I can post that I'm thankful I've survived.  

For this month, I'll read all of the things you are thankful for--I love the positive posts.  I'll just save my own for the day I can be anything less than reserved.  The day I can release the negativity into the wind, and embrace the future with both feet.

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