10 Things A Sleepless Mom Doesn't Want To Hear

Rose is a tough sleeper.  Some nights, if I'm super, super lucky, she gives me a five hour stretch of sleep.  Most nights she wakes every two to three hours.  Some nights she just.won't.sleep.

I've tried soothing baths, feeding late, feeding early, changing her foods, letting her cry, not letting her cry, physical exercise, a soothing routine...and pretty much nothing has worked.  I have been without a good night's sleep for about a year and a half (including the last 3 months of pregnancy, which were pretty uncomfortable for sleep.) 

Keeping in mind that I'm short on sleep, exhausted mentally and physically, and frankly, cranky as hell, there are a few things that are JUST not helpful to hear!  Oh, you can say them if you want my steely glare or perhaps the silent treatment, but otherwise, please, friends and relatives, keep them to yourselves!

Here are my top ten things that a sleepless momma doesn't want to hear:

1.  You look tired.

You know, I know I'm tired, and I'm sure I'm looking harsh, but my self esteem is already suffering (why can't I get this baby to sleep? What am I doing wrong??), so pointing out the baggage I'm carrying under my eyes or the drool on the corner of my mouth certainly doesn't help that.

2.  Oh, Was the baby awake last night?

The baby is awake EVERY NIGHT.  If you know me at all, you know my baby is awake every night (as evidenced by the aforementioned bags and drool.)  Pointing out that you slept right through the night is only going to fuel my feelings of jealousy for all you sleep-through-the-nighters.  

3.  You know she'll sleep better if you...(insert random advice.)

Please know that after 15 months of her not sleeping, I have researched the Internet, talked to the doctor, talked to other moms, and tried it all.  Yes, EVEN THAT (insert random weird internet sleep fad here.)

4.  It's a short span of time in your life, and she'll eventually sleep through the night.  

I'm here to tell you, it's not a short span of time.  It's eons, eternity, and the less I sleep the longer it seems.

Salvador Dali, The Persistence Of Memory

5.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  You get to enjoy that time you have alone together.  👀 ??

I get to have alone time all day long with her if I want.  I'd like to have some alone time with my pillow, tyvm.

6.  I read that breastfed babies sleep less.  What if you switch to formula?  

Yeah, because I've endured 15 months of sleeplessness, mastitis, and niplash because formula is an option for me.  Don't get me wrong--I don't have a problem with mom's using formula---I used it with my first two---but Rose is allergic to dairy (and soy formula is very expensive and smells gross.)

7.  Why don't you want to GO somewhere?! (This is from Punkgirl & Happyboy, who want to get up at the crack of dawn on the weekend and GOOOO somewhere.)

8.  I think she sleeps worse when "we" do THIS.  This is obviously Coffeeguy.  I don't wake Coffeeguy in the middle of the night, because he has to get up and go out to work every morning, and at least my baggy eyes and drool are mostly confined to home, so I take on the task of getting up with Rose. While I appreciate that he's only trying to help, most of the time when I get back into bed he's snoring, so this negates any right of his to tell me when she sleeps worse or better.

10.  Yeah.  I know...I skipped 9.  Didn't I just tell you I'm sleep deprived?  

10.  (Again) Why don't you take a nap during the day?

I.  I just.  Are you..?  She takes a two hour nap at 12.  It's just enough time to get a cup of HOT tea, load the dishwasher, MAYBE take a shower, and upload these pithy writings to my blog.  

The Snooty Spoiler (aka The Tooth Fairy)

     How ridiculous is it to have your ten year old look disappointed because there was "only" two dollars in his tooth box (left by the tooth fairy)?  Happyboy was so excited to check today to see if she came (since, being the suckiest tooth fairy ever, she forgot to come the night before) that he asked if I would come into his room with him to check.  I went in, secretly excited that he had "extra" $$ in there...only to see his little pixie face fall when he opened up the folded dollar bills.
     "What's the matter buddy?" I asked him.
     "Well, you know...my friend, she is the most spoiled ever, even by the tooth fairy.  She gets twenty dollars for a tooth."
     TWENTY DOLLARS?  Are her teeth lined with imported diamonds?  Can they be recycled into ruby rings?  What tooth fairy leaves twenty bucks for a ten year old's tooth??  It's not like it's a good investment--it's not even an adult tooth, it's a baby tooth that is almost certain to be disgustingly caked with blood.  You can't wear it, eat it, sell it, or even recycle it.  Does this girl's tooth fairy work for Santa? It's a f%$ing tooth!! 
      I had no choice but to sort of say, "Wow, buddy, that's crazy.  Maybe your friend is exaggerating."  I freaking hope your friend is exaggerating, because if she's not, she's in for some disappointment when she gets her first job in the 7th grade, walking somebody's dog for $5.  "Five bucks?" she'll ask disgustedly.  "I get more than this for a tooth." 
     Now, I admit, the tooth fairy in our house doesn't really like inflation, but she has kept up with the times by offering $3 for the front teeth, and $1 for anything else.  Even this, to me, is more than reasonable for something that really is only there to hold a place for real teeth.  I got a quarter for each of my teeth, and I was thrilled.  Ok, ok, a quarter went a lot further back in (harump harump hmmmp), but still--they really don't need to make a living at it!  No wonder kids are ripping the teeth out of their heads the instant they seem loose!  Even when the tooth fairy forgets to come (which, unfortunately has been more than once--she's a lackadaisical sort of tooth fairy and she really ought to have her tooth fairy license revoked, but I guess you get who you get...) she still only leaves an extra .50 or dollar--you know, for emotional damage.
     I refuse to let her be bullied into leaving more.  Isn't there a tooth fairy union against this sort of thing?  Some tooth fairy etiquette that says one tooth fairy shall not leave a ridiculous, exhorbitant amount of money for one child, way outside the bounds of etiquette?  And really, isn't it the child's parent's job, if the tooth fairy is such a snooty spoiler, to admonish her child not to tell everyone that she gets snooty money for one little un-usable tooth?
     Suck at home moms...what does the tooth fairy leave in your house?  And do you have a good one, or a slacker, or a snooty spoiler?

Balloons for Heaven

     Rose is a little cranky today.  I have to admit, so am I.  Today would have been my youngest brother's 43rd birthday, and instead of harassing him with cracks about his age, my family will gather to write messages on balloons to send them up "to Heaven."  Sometimes I feel a small hate towards those balloons, jealous that they get to go where I cannot, but then I remember why we started sending them up in the first place.
     My brother died of meningitis when Punkgirl, who was his Goddaughter, was just three months old.  I named Happyboy after him, to carry on his name, but not to fill those very big shoes.  Happyboy never met Big Bro...but he talks about him and remembers every story we have told him.  We have kept big brother alive through our little ceremonies and through our constant chatter about the hilarious Uncle Big.  It pains me every year to think that they will not experience the full force of his personality.  If my mother is the heart of our family, Uncle Big was the arms that held us all together, a big goofy guy with a wicked sense of humor and a sympathetic ear for anyone who needed it.
     The kids are uber-excited for today.  To them it means cake, and sending the balloons, and connecting with an Uncle they never really got to meet.  To me it is bittersweet...I love that they remember him this way, but it underscores that he isn't here.  He was less than two years older than me, and I miss him like crazy.
      But back to Rose...she is feeling a little cranky, hating the ride in the car when she has just learned to sit up.  It's as if she wants to know how we can strangle her magnificent sitting skills by sticking her in that awful rear-facing car seat?  We play take the binky/ drop the binky game in the car all the way to Mom's house, just to bring my stress level up to its highest peak.  One thing we never skimped on was her lungs...
     As we arrive at Mom's she falls asleep, as if to say "Gotcha!"  but never fear, within fifteen minutes she decides she has stranger anxiety.  She is wooed back to happiness through Mom's floating false teeth trick, a kid pleaser for years.  Pretty soon it will be time to write on our balloons, and I realize I don't know what to write from Rose.  "I miss you" doesn't fit.  "I wish I had met you" is too...small.  I am reminded of song lyrics, and I've got it..."I'll miss you till I meet you."
     Suck-At-Home-Moms, what are your traditions for remembering those who have passed?  Do they help, or do you too wish you could fly away with the balloons?